Monday, November 17, 2008
Be Still and Know
When Bill and I divorced the Summer of 2004; I thought my life was over. I had prayed and cried and begged God to fix my marriage. I had made mistakes and so had Bill and I could not for the life of me figure out why it would just not be fixed. Needless to say, it didn't fix, so there I was, scared and confused, alone for the first time since I was 15 years old, I had spent 1/2 my life loving one person, 1/2 my life as a wife.
What was I supposed to do now? Blame God, that was the answer. So, I blamed God and decided marriage was not for me. I had tried it and it had failed miserably and now, I would just be alone, forever. . .
With that decision firmly in place, I began to date and 'enjoy' my new found singleness. I made a new friend, this guy named Brad, who was crazy and funny and ran a non-profit group for kids. He was a hoot! My girlfriends thought he was hilarious, my co-workers said he was smitten by me. I just said nah, he's my friend. And he was, for a long time, as a matter of fact, he is still my best friend today. He is there in every moment of struggle and when questions haunt my mind. He is my rock and he is steady in every storm.
Of course, we became more than friends and on May 13, 2006, we started our life as TEAMDEASON. . . That is what we are, a team. We make decisions together, we laugh together, we cry together, we pray together and we raise our family together. We have fought storms together: child custody battles, bankruptcy, job loss, loss of friends, career changes and car repossessions. We have also had many victories together: renewed relationships, new jobs, promotions, new friends, and blessings that cannot even be explained.
Recently we were so blessed for someone to give Brad the funds for him to have is Gastric Bypass surgery. He had his surgery on October 22nd and as of today, he has lost 39 lbs. I have never been so proud of him or for him. He is doing the right things with his food and his workouts and he is taking full advantage of this tool he has been blessed with. As our Pastor said Sunday, with great blessings, come great challenges.
Just one day after we returned home from Brad's surgery, I was hit with a very spiritual attack. I was not sure what was up or down. Where I should be or what I should do. But you know what my rock said? "Be still, God has got this" "We just have to wait and see what He says, not what we say". .
So, reluctantly, I listened. And fervently, we prayed. "Please God, show us your path." "Please God, show us your face." "Please God, we want Your will, not ours. "
Not overnight, not the first week, but gradually we have begun to see the light and that we were in the right place and that God's timing is always perfect. Sometimes I think God puts things in our path that we don't necessarily like to see how we react, or how others react. Sometimes I think God allows things in our path so we can get on our knees and really seek him. The bible teaches us "Seek Him while He may be found". God is not lost, but a lot of times we are.
On the hardest day of this trial I was in the prayer room at church. As I cried and prayed, I said Lord, I feel lost. Not unsaved, just lost. I feel like I have no direction and You have to show me the way. The way was to be still and be attentive and to know that we are in the palm of his hand.
I am thankful that God helped me through this hard time and I am ever so unworthy of the wonderful husband that He sent me. I have been re-reading some books by Stormy O'Martin where she really emphasizes praying into your life using God's Word. It is a powerful thing! We can pray for our families this way and see real change come forth. I remember when I first started asking God to create a desire in Brad to be a true spiritual leader. That was hard for me, because I am not a follower for the most part. Past hurts have caused me to want to control situations for the protection of my heart.
God began to answer those prayers and then I was not sure I wanted Him to. I soon realized that for Brad to be the leader, I had to be a follower. God works all things for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, so I knew that I must put my money where my mouth was and not only trust Brad, but trust God.
I am so Glad I Did!