Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hey all,

I wanted to direct you to where I have moved my blog, it is a work in progress right now but all my old posts and several new ones have been transferred to ~ thank you for your readership and please join me there and subscribe to my RSS feed.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

One of the hardest blogs. . . ever

Logan, It is so hard to find the words today, my emotions run really deep these past few months. It could be my babies are growing up and doing things like driving and graduating highschool or it could be old age. Glancing over to the couch, there is a young man sleeping there, not a little boy. Today, on your 16th birthday, there is no school because of snow, and who knows what time you went to bed. All I know is that now you takes up 1/2 the couch and just yesterday you took up a cushion. Well, maybe a few yesterdays ago, but it all goes by so fast.
Where did this two year old boy go with a heart of gold and a laugh that would melt your very being? You became a fiesty five year old who refused to wear anything but sweat pants and or eat anything but cheetos and reece cups. The five year old who was in so love with his teacher, Ms. Oliver and would make this face anytime you were asked to smile for a picture.

Then there was this eleven year old guy, who walked me mom down the aisle, even though you still didn't really like Brad too much yet. Glad that's changed, makes my life easier. I'm thankful that we have that memory of you, wearing your tuxedo reluctantly, looking like quite the handsome young man. And I am thankful for these memories, of when you starting being yourself with Brad and seeing how much you really are alike and how much you love each other.

Now here you are, a lanky 16 year old, who sends me around the world and back to find jeans that actually fit you. You are finally taller than me and Cait, which makes you VERY VERY happy! It is crazy how fast this last year has past. Logan, you have grown above and beyond all I could image. You have grown in the Lord and you have started to really seek His will for your life, and it shows. Sometimes it may not seem like I see it, sometimes it may feel like all I do is fuss at you and make you do things you don't want to do, but I see it. I see the potential in you and I see the spark in your eyes so I push you to be more, to do more, than you think you can.

I know the move to Nashville has not always been easy, but you have embraced new adventures, new friends, new places and taken it all in stride.

You don't realize the impact you have on those you meet, but you are influential among your peers, you will make such an impact for God in this city.

When I see you curled up next to Bailey and Hunter in the evening, everything is right in the world. When I see you at church with your hands raised in worship, I see your heart for Jesus, and it is Big. When I hear you in your room, playing your guitar and singing, I wonder how on earth the time has past so quickly, but it does. Tomorrow you will be one step closer to 17, then 18 and then graduation and I know I have so much more to prepare you for in such a short time.

It is an amazing honor to be your mom. It is an amazing, crazy, fun, sometimes challenging and frustrating journey to watch you grow into adulthood. Keep your smile through all life brings your, keep you faith in every situation, keep loving people when they don't love you back, make people smile when they feel like they can't anymore, play your music and sing what's in your heart. Those are your gifts, use them. I love you and hope that this year brings you more clarity and focus then every before.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

With a Thankful Heart

I find myself overwhelmed with emotions today and have already cried thrice as I have been reading over Facebook posts about thankfulness. It is amazing the blessings we have in each other and in the things God is doing in our lives.

While I am thankful for every friendship, every blessing, every difficulty that makes me stronger, every new client, every moment of laughter, there are some special people who have touched my heart in this last year that I want to thank personally.

Jesus: You took a hurt and emotionally fragile girl and gave her strength to keep on going, you shielded me from hurts I could not imagine, you have kept my family safe in the 1,000's of miles we traveled over the last year and through it all you have drawn me closer to your side. Thank you for seeing more in me than I see in myself. You have given me the courage and the confidence to keep working this fledgling business and I know you see great things as we continue forward. Thank you for giving me a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.

Brad: You. . . you are sometimes hard to put into words. After almost 7 years of being my best friend, my heart still skips a beat when I think of you. Your strength and character are unmatched by anyone I know. When we made this decision to move away from everything we had ever known, to leave behind the crutches of our youth, you held me up on days when my legs felt like jelly. We have laughed more in the last six months than we have in quite some time and I know that the longer we are here, the more sure we are that we made the right decision and that this is where we are meant to be. I have said this before, but it's just so true: I am thankful to walk this road of life with you whether the road is bumpy, smooth or has huge pits that we have to get through, being your wife makes it worth every moment.

Caitlin: Girlie, you are my heartbeat. You are just one DNA strand away from being me, and somedays that scares me, because I know how stubborn I can be. I have seen you grow so much not only the past year, but especially since the move. The transition of being your mom while you are becoming a woman is not always easy on either of us but I think we are doing okay. I love how focused you are on your education goals. I love that at 17 years old you KNOW what you want out of life. I love that you love Jesus more than anything in this world and I am thankful that you call me mom. As you leave our nest next year, hold onto the core of who you are and never change that.

Logan: Last week when we were talking about school and you had that 'lightbulb' moment on why we push you so hard, on why we want you to try to achieve more, it was such an answered prayer. Growing up, I was so much like you, good at tons of things but not passionate about any of them. My fear was that you would not see the big picture on how I want more for you than I can ever be and when I saw you figure it out, it completely made my day. I am thankful for your loving and sensitive heart for Jesus. I know you are going to great things for Him because you are willing to do what He calls you to even if it's not your plan. I am so excited to see where life is going to take you over the next few years.

Sis: I can't even start this without crying, mainly because you are so amazing and loving and when we came here we had no 'real' family but you made us your family. You made it okay for me to pop across town in my pj's to laugh about nothing and you have even half way taught me to talk in the 'old lady' voice. Because of what we went through before we came here, true love and acceptance felt like a thing of the past, things that we could only hope for again some day, you made those hopes true again, so thank you for making us feel a part of things from day one.

Pastor: I have no idea what you thought of us that day when we came into your office, hurt and angry, scared to trust someone with your calling ever again. I can't even remember much of what we said but I know that our walls were so thick in places and broken in others that navigating a conversation with me certainly could have felt like a mine field. I remember you saying something to us about just coming to church and trying it and not make any commitments and I thought, okay, I can do that. When we decided to make POM our home and ultimately Nashville, the messages you brought forth and the counseling you have given us have just continued to solidify that we are making the right decisions. So if I could sum it up in one word, I would say - Willingness - I am thankful for your willingness to take a chance on hurting people and for your willingness to love people like Jesus does and let God do the rest.

Brandi:I am thankful that you are my friend. I remember how we would talk last year and I would tell you how one day you would be so happy and you could not see that. Now you are happier than you have ever been. You are the first person I was able to help in some small way because of the pain that I endured through my divorce. There were days when I would get off the phone with you and cry because it would bring up my old wounds that I thought were gone. But it was such a joy as the year went on and I started to see the changes and I started to see the joy return to your life and in a way it helped me to heal parts of the past I had not touched yet. I am thankful that you are courageous and faithful and loyal and kind, I love being your friend.

Joseph:Thank you for loving my friend. Thank you for being what she needs; it makes my heart smile when I think of the 'broken road' you guys have came through to find each other. I cannot wait to see what God is going to do with your lives and your marriage.

Heather: What do you say about your best friend when you haven't had a best friend in forever. We can go weeks without seeing or talking to each other and pick up right where we left off. When I see Caitlin and Mel together I am jealous that we weren't friends from that age. I cannot imagine the stuff we would've came through together if that had been the case. I miss you so much every stinkin' day. . . and yes I am crying when I type this. I am thankful that 100 miles does not change how much we love each other; and how we will always be there for each other at the drop of a hat. Looking forward to seeing you soon, I love you!

Mom & Marlena: I know this last six months has not been your favorite and I am thankful you didn't give us as much grief as you could have over us moving. Thank you for having the tenacity to put up with us through these last 3 years that were the worst we could have went through. If not for the two of you, we would have been homeless. Thank you for showing us what a mothers' heart does for her kids. Thank you for loving us through it all.

POM: My church family, you have no idea what you mean to me. To be here in Nashville, with no close family, you have truly loved us and welcomed us with open arms. You have made a difference in our lives everytime we come into contact whether it be at church, eating a meal or just hanging out. TeamDeason is thankful for Point of Mercy.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Forgiveness and Thank You's

There comes a time where forgiveness is just in order ~ when we look at the scripture and see how often Jesus tells his disciples to love each other and to forgive those that do us wrong it is amazing how little it seems to matter to us. By us, I really mean myself because I'm not trying to judge anyone on this but myself. I have a lot of experience in forgiveness and even wrote a blog a few weeks ago about forgiveness that was one of the best blogs I've written about how much of a struggle it is but what a blessing there is in the forgiving.

So that is what I am doing today with Shane West. I am forgiving you, I am releasing the burden of frustration and hurt and pain and walking in forgiveness. There was a day that the very thought of saying I forgive you to the person/people who caused my family such hurt was a joke. In fact, I thought this day would never come. I thought that unless you were in jail and paid for the things you did to so many people that my soul would not have peace. That if this didn't happen the way I wanted it to, that God was acting a little crazy. That somehow, if He would just make you pay for the things you had done, that my life would be vilified, that I would feel like He let me finally have that WIN you've talked about ~ but instead, as I began to pray and to seek His face, I began to understand that the WIN is in the experiences the WIN is in the growing that I've done as a child of the King because of the situations that were created by you.

Without these situations, I would not have known how strong my husband is and how much confidence God had in him when he put us together. I would not know that those arms that wrapped around me when I cried could really fix just about anything and when he couldn't, HE could. I would have never seen how much he loves the children we have together and how he would do anything in his power to create safety and security in their lives. I would not have seen him with tears on his cheeks as we prayed together for direction as a family. Thank you for that.

Without the pain, I would not have known how strong I am as an individual. I would never have seen that hospitality and just plain ole' loving people is my ministry because after the hurt, it was something I had to fight for. Before last year, I never had to 'put myself out there' because it came so naturally. I never really understood or appreciated the discernment gift that God gave me until He started revealing to me what His plan was for my life. I never had to pray that hard or work that hard at trusting God or anyone else, and that has made me seek His face more and more. Thank you for that.

Without the lies, I could have never experienced the full truth in who I am as a person. Watching my children blossom under true ministry and taking a foothold in their gifts has been more than I could ever ask for. Finding respect and confidence in church leadership again was definitely something I thought I would ever see again. Because the lies became so obvious, it is so much easier to see the truth of who people are and I like what I see around me. I love where I am in my life and I'm not going to apologize if that upsets you because I have you to thank for where I am right now.

The path we walked together was some of the best times of my life and the only thing that makes me sad when I think about it is wondering if any of it was even true. That's the hardest part of your lies, I know there was truth in some of it, I just don't know or will never know, which part. You will forever be the person that I always wish had turned out different because, you could be so much more if you would only let God fix you. I can say this in all honesty, from this day forth, I will pray you get your life fixed. I will pray that you finally become the man God wants you to be. . .





Friday, September 10, 2010

Winning Isn't Everything. . . Or is it?

What does it mean to win? What is winning? According to Webster winning can be a noun or a verb but when we think of the word how do we read it? Do we read the passive kind of winning like, he won that by his efforts or the active winning like, He beat the pants off that person in whatever he was trying to do. I think that in life, we sometimes get obsessed by 'the win' by using the king to checkmate our opponent, by taking the last dollar or hotel your friend has in Monopoly or by diving across the table to get that last spoon and hoping you don't get your eye put out in the process.

Winning for me is being secure in who I am every day. The Bible says in Phillipians 3:14
"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" ~ Winning for me is moving my life every day toward what and who God wants me to be. The ultimate prize in this life is making it to heaven.

One of the best things that's happened to my family since moving to Nashville is seeing my children growing in God. They are bringing their friends to church and they are really establishing their own walks with God. Just yesterday, I was having a frustrating day and my daughter brought to mind how Pastor had just taught on Sunday about our testimonies being under attack. Those simple words from her brought me to tears because I knew the word was getting in her. I knew that we are in the will of God and for me, that is Winning.

So in the small things in life, winning isn't everything, but in the big scheme of things, Winning is everything~ Walking with God and winning the ultimate prize of a relationship with Jesus Christ is what this life is all about!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Bridge of Forgiveness

God = Funny

Just last night I was walking on this bridge with my husband. It was beautiful balmy night in Nashville and we decided to escape for some alone time. We'd never been on the pedestrian bridge so we decided to take a stroll and look at the city lights. It was beautiful. It was breathtaking. It was funny. Brad was going in for a romantic kiss when a homeless man interrupted to ask for some spare change. That was funny ~

As we looked and relaxed in the awe of where we were we began to talk about what an amazing journey the Lord has placed us on and that our life is so different from where we were just a short time ago. I hope there won't be a day when I am not amazed by the Nashville skyline. I love this place, this east Nashville vibe and the people who are in my life.

On that bridge last night I was thankful for every experience I have endured that brought me to that moment and in those short minutes, I thought, nothing can touch this. Nothing can touch this feeling, this clear path of where we are and who we are becoming.

As we left the bridge I thought, that was really an experience in forgiveness. Looking at the strong parts of the bridge and how it held up against every wind and every flood and every boat that might bump against it, it reminded me of God and how when we are rooted in his love and forgiveness that people can bump us and the wind can blow us but the forgiveness is what makes us strong. Forgiveness makes us strong because it's what makes us. The pain people put on us is not what makes us strong, it's the willingness on our part to Forgive as God forgives us that makes us strong. The hurts we experience are there to allow us to grow in Forgiveness.

As we walked backed to the car I told Brad that I know that there will be challenges ahead of us even though right now we feel on top of the world. I also told him that the only thing that scares me is that I know whatever comes our way will be more personal than anything before and I hope my bridge of forgiveness is strong and sure so that I can move through it.
I woke this morning to discover a hurt that I had long ago 'thought' I had gotten past was thrown up at me in the worst way. There is a part of me that feels like I am dying inside right now and only God and I can talk about it. No one else can understand where I am emotionally about this one thing. The bridge of forgiveness that I talked about in my head last night as I dreamt up this blog was pretty and silver and as I look at it today, there seem to be some steps missing and it's a little shakey. Did I mention God is Funny? Nevertheless, I am going to get on this bridge and I don't know how long it will take me to cross it, I don't know how sure my steps are, but I know that with Him all things are possible. I know that when I get on the other side of this bridge I will feel safe again and be able to breathe.

I know God didn't bring me to this bridge without knowing I can cross it.

I know that.

And for today, for this moment, that's enough.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

June14, 2009

We were talking this weekend about when we first came to Point of Mercy, our church home here in Nashville. Today I got on my blog because I remembered writing a post the next day after we had visited, the day that changed our life and put us on the path we are walking today. This post was about the pain and the betrayal and hurt we were feeling on that day. It is AMAZING how far God can bring you in a year's time.

Almost one year exactly to that day, June 17, 2010 ~ we moved into our cute, roomy bungalow here in East Nashville. We moved here where Hopkinsville already seems to be a life time ago.

Here where there are sidewalks to take the puppies, music lessons the next block over for Logan, and our kids going to high school on a college campus. Here where God has placed us to do a work for Him.I am amazed and in awe at how great our God is and that He chose TeamDeason to walk through the fires we have went through so that we can help others to come out on the other side, just like we have ~ I never want to forget the blessing in the trial because on the other side the sweetness of knowing it was all for us to grow in Him makes each trial worth it ~ We are Blessed Beyond Measure