A God Shaped Hole ~ Only He Can Fill It

Today we were invited to share our ministry or our story through Kelly’s blog and I decided to put it all out there. Many times I have wondered how my situations and circumstances can help others and what these times have meant to me as a person and how these things could possibly help others.

I truly believe that God uses our circumstances and situations for His good when we let Him. I was born in 1973 to a very young mother who got pregnant out of wedlock and got married because she was pregnant. When I was almost 2; my mother was murdered and my whole life changed. My dad was young and irresponsible so my grandmother got custody of me.

Thus should have become my happy ending. Young girl raised by her grandparents, right? Um, No ~ My grandfather molested my cousin and me for years when we were kids and then when we finally told my grandmother; she got us family counseling but never divorced him. Every day I lived with my abuser and felt like I was not important enough to make the choice to not live with a child molester. Every day I wondered why my life was this, my search for being good enough led me to seek love from a very early age.

By the age of 17, I was married and still the void was there. There was this part of me that was always looking for more, but not knowing what it was. My beautiful babies came in 1993 and 1995 and the is love was different, a love I had not known before; a love that was different than any other love. But even still, there was a deep unhappiness in me that could not be explained.

I guess by now I should have already said that I grew up in church; I grew up always knowing about God, always hearing about God, always thinking I was a Christian, always wearing the title but never really knowing God, knowing Him in the glory of His power and in the beauty of his wonder.

In 2004, as my marriage fell apart I blamed God. I blamed him for the abuse, for my mom dying, for an unfaithful spouse, for all my shortcomings in life. I turned completely away from Him because I felt He had failed me in every way possible. I decided I could do just as well on my own as I had with God; not knowing that I really had not experienced Him for myself.

I met a great guy, who became my best friend and my love. I knew then that my life was complete. I knew that now I needed nothing. Except that there was a missing piece still, there was a hole that could not be filled. There is a great song out right now and one of my favorite lines goes like this. . “there is a God Shaped hole in all of us”. See that was my problem; I had this hole that only God could fill and it took me 30+ years to realize it.

The last six years have been the best of my life even though we have faced so many financial and emotional hardships but everyone of those have brought us closer to God. The day that I realized the God shaped hole could only be filled by God was the best day of my life. As you read through my other blogs you will see the path we have walked the last few years, struggling to find employment, walking through bankruptcy, suffering through hurt in ministry, having been victims of identity theft. All of this that we have went through I can see now is for God’s Glory and for us to be a help to those who are facing those same situations today and to let them know that as you let God fill that hole in your heart He can walk you through any fire.

Blessings,

Shelly

FIFTEEN YEARS AGO

FIFTEEN YEARS OLD

It is hard to believe that it was a year ago that I wrote this here.

Kids grow so fast and it is amazing to see what a year brings. My baby will be 15 years old tomorrow and is a Freshman in high school. It seems like yesterday when I could feel his little feet press against the inside of my belly so hard that you could see his foot print on my stomach.
It seems like about an hour ago that his chubby cheeks would pop as his smile showed the first four teeth he got and that, even then, he was flirty with all the ladies.

As I read back over the post from last year, I realized that Logan really is growing up ~ he is singing in the choir at HHS and has a solo in the spring concert. He continues to play the piano some but has found he likes the guitar better. The noises from his room actually sound like music so that is a good thing.

Although he is growing up, he still has those boyish tendencies that really never go away. He has the aptitude to make me laugh, cry, smile and curse in about a 10 minute time frame and is quite proud of that. He is a button pusher in the largest way, especially toward his sister. But when push comes to shove, he has her back and she knows it.
So happy birthday to my pride and joy, the one who makes me shake my head in amazement and frustration and makes me proud to be his mama.

Blessed ~ Beyond Measure

I know it has been a while since I have blogged and all I have to say today is that I am blessed beyond measure to lead the life I have.

Be a blessing and have a blessed day~

Shelly

Growing Up, Moving On. . .

With the holidays behind us, I think back on what they meant to me growing up. Because of my extended, dysfunctional family, there were more Christmas celebrations you could count on one hand.

There was Memaw Bertha's house which reeked of turnip greens on the stove and there were always a ton of presents under her tree. It didn't matter that most of them came from Woolworth and they weren't on 'your list' ~ Memaw Bertha always had something for everyone that came in her door. The food there was not the best so we always went right for Papaw Wallaces red velvet cake, which he made with his pipe sticking out of the left side of his face. This was the house where we could get by with just about anything and if a grown up fussed at us, well Memaw would say 'leave those babies alone'. We always went here on lunch on Christmas Eve because it was her birthday and because it fit into the many places we needed to go.

Christmas Eve night was spent with my Meme's family. We either went to Meme's or out to Aunt Lindas and here the food was the best. Deviled eggs, ham, fresh fruit, cheese log, german chocolate cake and as I mentioned about Thanksgiving, Meme's chocolate pie. Usually she made three of them and there was barely any left. Here, us kids drew names and we usually stayed up late playing games and just being stupid in general.

Christmas Day always began at home with whatever 'Santa' left under the tree. See, there were the unwrapped 'santa' gifts and then there were the wrapped gifts. Way too much stuff under the tree and so spoiled and we did not even realize it.

That afternoon I would go to with my Dad to Granny Millie's. She had been up cooking since 5am and the ham was to die for although the canned biscuits were always burned. Granny Millie got stuff off our list and tried to make sure we had whatever we wanted.

These days all of us kids have grown up and with Memaw Bertha and Meme gone on to be with the Lord, the family has splintered into so many parts that it is hard for us all to get together. I know this, Christmas for us, is being together as a family. Whatever that means.

This year; it meant having Christmas on December 23rd with my exhusband Bill, my Mom, the Kids and us at my moms. The kids were so excited to spend Christmas with both of their parents and we were happy to do it for them.

Christmas Eve was a drive by to Granny Millies for the kids to get their gifts on our way to Illinois to Brad's family's where we spend Christmas Day and came back home on the 26th.

On the 30th; we had our 'Meme's Christmas' pretty much food and hanging out at my moms.

I love the holidays but I am always glad when they are over. I am working on a year in review post and some goals for this year. .talk to you soon.

Shelly

Seriously? You laugh at what?

 

Thanksgiving with my family seems like a version of the movie groundhog day. Every year is the comfortably the same with the exception of us each growing older every year. There is always some little ones running around; older ones bossing younger ones; the sure fire family fight (this year was between me & Nick over putting butter on corn); guys watching football; and us reminiscing about years gone by.

My Meme was famous for her Chocolate Pie and since she died over five years ago we have never really had anything like it grace the kitchen. Oh, the German chocolate cake was still a guarantee and there are always cookies and pies and more dessert than should be legal, but the chocolate pie was missing. I have scoured the nation and ordered chocolate pie after chocolate pie to no avail. No One makes pie like my Meme. My cousin Tracey read a poem at her funeral and the chocolate pie was mentioned several times. It is one of those traditions that we loved about our Meme. She was a grouchy lady for the most part and always had a smart remark but we would fight over the last piece of her chocolate pie. Well, surprise upon surprise, Peggy (who is not known for her cooking, not being rude, just being honest {she knows this}) got the recipe and tried her hand at it this year. It is crazy how a taste can be a memory but it is. I could not believe that we were having Meme's chocolate pie, but there it was the buttery crust in my mouth, the meringue mingling around it dancing with the taste of the gooey chocolate. I was 10 years old again bullying my cousins and running through the house in my sock feet. I was immediately seeing that face with the twinkling eyes and curly white hair standing over the stove in one of her 'jogging suits' ready to smack the hands getting in the ham before time to eat. Kudos to Peggy for those memories and for the two pounds I gained eating WONDERFUL chocolate pie.

As we savored the pie my cousins and aunts and I began to talk about how fast our kids are growing and how apparently, Lori and I are now middle aged. Ugh, I am refusing to be middle aged. I am going to live to be 100 so I will not be middle-aged until at least 50 so I have 14 more years. . . LOL ~ The table is always filled with laughter and some of the same stories year after year. Sometimes we remember things not talked about in years like how we thought the grownups were dumb when they hid the easter eggs in plain sight in Meme's yard and they laughed and said, well we wanted it to be easy so it would be over quick.

Somehow we ended up talking about our family faux paus. We, well some of us, laugh at funerals. We have had to separate ourselves at funerals to not laugh and two of my aunts had to leave a funeral once because they could not quit laughing. I remember one funeral when we were glared at and we tried to contain ourselves. Why do we do this? We have no clue, it's a nervous thing. So talk moved to what we were going to do when my mom passes away. We all have to sit on the front row and that will be pretty bad to be sitting in the front row of my mom's funeral laughing at some point. I say this because I know I will be crushed beyond belief because even after 36 years, I am a Mama's girl. She makes me mad, she makes me laugh, she makes me cry, but no one can compare to who she is to me. As we laughed about this tonight, mom said, "In front of everyone, I give you all permission to laugh at my funeral" which was funny in itself. I told her we would just make buttons or stickers to hand out at the door that say "we laugh at funerals" so no one will be surprised or offended. . . . seriously, though, laughter is the best medicine.

Over laughter Nichole and I made up over our butter incident. Over laughter, we discuss disciplining our children, meeting our life's goals and memories from childhood past. Today was about laughter and memories and thankfulness for those we hold near and dear and don't tell them nearly enough.

Feel free to share some of your Thanksgiving Memories.

Show us Your Life ~ Pets

Kelly is doing Pets this week on Show us your life and I could not resist this one. . .

We have, of course, two human babies that are 14 & 16 years old.

We have had hunter since Cait was 7 or 8, so he has been part of our family for over half her life and most of Logan's. He is the Alpha Male in this pack and sometimes needs to be reminded that we are actually the pack leaders. He is happy to lay on the couch or snuggle between me and Brad in the mornings.

Hunter loves to lay around, like, all the time!

Baleigh has been with us for about 8 months. She is around 10 months old and crazy as Hunter is calm. She is a lab/boxer mix and her affection for all things garbage related can sometimes be quite irritating. But her loving demeanor soon wins you back over and it is hard to stay mad at her.

Baleigh has a slight underbite (well not so slight) but she is too cute

Just when life seemed good in the dog department, I got stupid. Okay, I am a sucker for a pretty face anymore. I used to not be a dog person but apparently this has changed. Little Zoey entered our home about 3 weeks ago at age 4 weeks. She had to be taken from her mom early and was headed to the pound and when those brown eyes looked up at me, I was a goner. The family soon succumbed to her wiles and she is our baby.

Could you resist this face? Not me . . . .

We are not planning on adding to the dog family anytime soon, but who knows what this old sap will do. Stick around and read some blogs, I would love for you to follow our family as we walk this crazy journey through life.

Much Love,

Shelly

and again. . . .

One of my favorite things about God is that we can always begin again. . . . and again. . . . and again.

Pastor's message today dug at my heart. He talked about what our purpose is for the kingdom. I think that I am finally letting God back in where He wants to be because for the last six months I have leaned on God, I have held onto God, I have relied on God, I have been this pitiful small person before the Lord and in that, I forgot my purpose not only in the work of God but also in my personal life. In the wanting to shield my heart, I quit making myself available to God like I needed to. I leaned on Him but didn't allow myself to invest in anything except for my husband and kids and a few close friends.

Days have went by without doing anything at work but playing games or hanging out on facebook when I should have been working. Days have went by with no laundry being done or supper cooked. Not everyday, of course, but enough days that it is noticeable. Enough days that my work suffers and that my husband has to say, Hey Honey, "Let's catch up on laundry tonight" or the kids get excited because I am actually cooking and not doing Wendy's or the Chicken Strips and Fries that our FryDaddy cranks out on a regular basis.

I cannot remember the last time I cried so hard before God and the only words I could say were "I want to be different but I don't know how" "I want to work with a purpose but I don't know how" "Please fix me, Please change me" "I want to be different but I don't know how". All I know is that when I got up from the altar I felt like it was one of those again moments. I know that tomorrow God is going to once more, again, help me to find my purpose in the natural and the spiritual.

What do you need to begin again today? Is it with your family? Is it at work? Is it in your time of worship and prayer? Whatever it is, God is an again kind of God and He loves us, again. . .and again. . . and again.